• Natalie Hawes

19 and living life, 21 and wearing life

The start! when living life feels like its ended at 21, motherhood and the unexpected truths that no one tells you about.

Nineteen and enjoying life. Waking up and curling my toes in my fluffy bedroom carpet before opening up my cupboard and making the hardest decision "what am i gonna wear today" speaking to my boyfriend and looking at my reflection in the mirror while fluttering my eyelashes cause you know he's feeling you. Rolling in at 5am and waking up at 2pm! the joys of unscheduled wild nights out. Tossing and turning through the night until you finally run to the toilet to let it all out. Waking up a little rough but smiling as you remember the guys that tried to get your attention and failed or your friend who had drunk so much she could hardly walk but we still managed to make it to the chicken shop just before heading home.

Another day another dollar, off to my job at TOPSHOP in Oxford Street. Standing at the Barry M concession stand i worked at and day dreaming about what i was gonna spend my money on from women's wear, an advantage on my weekend party look. Call me confident but i always felt like i looked hot, i was a cheerleader who belonged to the best team in the UK and i was in great shape so finding an outfit wasn't very stressful, matching my shoes was my hardest decision.

- Pope Francis -

"We can live to the fullest - with our feet firmly planted on the ground - and respond courageously to whatever new challenges come our way"

Another Night Of Tossing And Turning

Its another late night i can't sleep! i feel rough, tossing and turning my head spinning and yep here it is the on scheduled vomit. A great night out, the chicken shop visit and the morning smiles, "I'M AFRAID NOT" the tossing from being uncomfortable, your heads spinning with no answer why and the vomit just because bump didn't like the meal you so badly wanted to eat. yep thats right! i'm 20 and pregnant.

21 and 6 Months into my pregnancy.

“Wheres the pause button i'm not ready.”

No one said it was gonna be this painful or last this long! jumping up and down like a rabbit, sitting down, standing up, is this what crazy feels like because i'm feeling all kinds of crazy and from time to time i'm thinking are the nurses thinking that too just before pushing my braids back and screaming one more time. Exhausted but still able to crush a few hands while sobbing that i didn't opt for pain relief in my pregnancy plan, don't ask! maybe i thought i was wonder women but let me assure you i wasn't feeling like i had those powers that day."What is it?" my partner replied a boy and i paused, then the nurse replied no its a girl and i shouted pass me my baby "its a cheerleader thing" how was i gonna teach him football i've been a cheerleader almost my whole life and the reality is i wanted a mini me i could dress just like me. A beautiful baby girl 7lb 5, the biggest brown eyes and hair like the night sky, nothing can prepare you for that instant connection, the love and the bond between two humans that words can't even describe.

No Time To Dress Up

" I can't even look at my own reflection in the mirror and these stretch marks are ugly " how comes my stomach still looks like theres a baby inside? why does my face still look puffy? why do i still feel and look pregnant?

No one prepares you for the after, the sleepless nights, the 10 minutes you have to bath and get dress, forget the makeup theres no time! and life doesn't prepare you for how ugly you feel when you look into a mirror and it doesn't prepare you for having to figure those things out for yourself. It doesn't matter that someone says your glowing or you look fab, i have this feeling that i can't even begin to describe and i don't know this feeling, its not like any feeling that i have felt before i just know it makes me not want to get out of bed each morning. When i open my cupboard to get dressed i'm confronted by the sea of black, the easy option because its dark and predictable, its not fun but it carries stains well, it doesn't give any clues away, you feel hidden its kinda boring a bit like my life. That's when it dawned on me i'm 21 and wearing life!


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